Welcome to Checking In, a review series in which our editors and contributors rate the best new (and revamped) luxury hotels based on a rigorous—and occasionally tongue-in-cheek—10-point system: Each question answered “yes” gets one point. Will room service bring you caviar? Does your suite have its own butler? Does the bathroom have a bidet? Find out below.

The Dorchester

Describe the hotel in 3 words: Timeless. Seamless. Sumptuous.

What’s the deal?

The Park Lane grand dame was just treated to its biggest makeover since the 1980s. The meticulous, nearly two-year renovation involved a complete overhaul of the somewhat dated decor, a few adjustments to the floorplan, and the addition of two new bars and a boutique. The facade and forecourt have been gussied up, too.

Originally opened in 1931, the hotel retains much of its old-world charm yet has been tastefully modernized with contemporary British art, a fresh pastel palette, and updated furnishings. In the revamped lobby, Christian Furr’s captivating, nine-foot-tall oil painting of Hyde Park’s Serpentine lake is a fitting prelude to the grandeur that is to come.

A sprawling lounge and dining space called the Promenade is brimming with large bouquets by designer florist Phil Hammond and landscapes by local artists that together evoke a quaint English garden. A few steps away, the glitzy Artist’s Bar is anchored by Liberace’s legendary mirrored piano and bartenders sling cocktails inspired by the eclectic works that adorn the walls.

French interior designer Pierre-Yves Rochon was tasked with redesigning the main areas of the hotel and the accommodation. The overall key count was reduced from 250 to 241 in order to give guests more space. The rooms and suites showcase colorways inspired by the neighboring park and decor reflective of British stage designer Oliver Messel’s signature lavish style. Think floral fabrics by Colefax and Fowler, hand-painted headboards by de Gournay, and custom woven carpets by Alarwool.

The best room:

The Harlequin Penthouse is the hotel’s largest, most luxurious offering and has a history of illustrious guests. Spanning nearly 1,800 square feet, the top-floor suite comprises two bedrooms, two marble bathrooms with separate walk-in showers, a dining room with an eight-seat mahogany table, and a terrace with park views. It’ll set you back from US$10,500 (HK$82,258) a night.

Do the rooms have a standout perk?

The rooms and suites are dotted with artwork, hardcovers, and ceramics that guests can purchase. If you like it, simply ask the concierge if you can buy it, and they’ll give you a price. It’s a nice touch.

Did they greet you by name at check-in?

Naturally, the staff here are seasoned pros. I didn’t touch a door handle, lift my suitcase, or pull out a chair throughout the entire stay, either. My water glass was never empty, nor my stomach for that matter. Over a punchy Vesper Martini in Vesper Bar, general manager Luca Virgilio tells me each new employee undergoes a rigorous, weeks-long training program to ensure they’re up to the hotel’s high standards. It shows. You can call me Mrs. Cormack from now on.

Welcome drink ready and waiting when you arrived? Bonus point if it wasn’t just fruit juice.

Ah, a hotel after my own heart, there was a half bottle of Veuve Clicquot waiting on ice, along with a carafe of freshly squeezed juice, and bowls of plump cherries and strawberries. It was the perfect antidote to a hot summer’s day.

Private butler for every room?

Rooms no, suites yes. Head butler Sean Davoren’s resume reads like a London hotels “best of” list, so you’re in very, very good hands. Each butler is trained for 12 weeks and closely observed before attending to guests. The highly efficient concierge will also assist with bookings, queries, or even remedies should the wine pairings from last night’s Ducasse dinner get the better of you the next day. Who has time to source Asprin when there’s an afternoon at the revamped spa to be had?

Is the sheet thread count higher than 300?

The sheets are bang on 300, while the pillows and duvet covers are 400. (You can shop the hotel’s bedding here.) The marshmallowy Vispring mattress was the real star, though. As a light and fussy sleeper, the enveloping bed, blackout curtains, and pin-drop silence did not go unnoticed.

Is there a heated floor in the bathroom? What about a bidet?

The elegant gray-veined marble was nice and toasty underfoot, and I appreciated it even on the sunnier days. (The A/C was almost too effective at times.) The toilet seat was also heated and attached to a high-tech Toto from Japan. If you’re unfamiliar, this toilet doubles as a bidet and has a ton of other new-fangled features.

Are the toiletries full-sized?

No, but the Wildsmith lineup is made responsibly using production practices that minimize disruption to the natural world, so bonus points for that.

Is there a private pool for the room’s exclusive use?

It’s London we’re talking about here, not Dubai. There is a pool, gym, and spa across the road at sister hotel 45 Park Lane that guests of the Dorchester are free to use.

Is the restaurant worth its salt?

Alain Ducasse at the Dorchester is one of only eight Michelin three-starred restaurants in the UK and is helmed by a world-famous French chef with a total of 21 stars. You do the math. Accolades aside, the dishes are a tasty amalgamation of traditional French techniques and fresh British ingredients, à la the hand-dived scallop with citrus beurre blanc and Kristal caviar. If Gallic cuisine isn’t your bag, the Grill by young Essex-born chef Tom Booton serves up playful takes on the English classics. Tackle “All the Chicken” if you’re particularly ravenous.

Is there caviar on the room service menu? If so, what kind?

Yes, and it’s available all day and night. (Late-night caviar cravings are a real thing okay.) You have a choice of Royal Imperial (US$114/ HK$893 for 30g), Oscietra Prestige (US$159/ HK$1,246 for 30g), or Beluga (US$412/ HK$3,228 for 30g or US$3,300/ HK$25,853 for 250g). Caviar is far from the only delicacy on offer, of course. There’s a truffled croque monsieur if you’re feeling naughty (US$44/ HK$345), a Cornish lobster if you’re feeling splashy (US$86/ HK$674), or a roast rack of Kent lamb (US$66/ HK$517) if you’re just plain hungry. You can even devour the hotel’s iconic afternoon tea in your room rather than the Promenade if you fancy.

Do you want to spend Friday night in the lobby bar?

Considering it’s named after one of my favorite cocktails that would be a big fat yes. Lethally moreish martinis aside, Vesper Bar is an homage to the hotel’s many connections to James Bond. Author Ian Fleming, who dreamt up 007 and his signature tipple, was a regular at the Dorchester up until he died in 1964. EON Productions, the studio responsible for the films, was originally located a short walk from the hotel, too. As a result, production execs held many important meetings at the Dorchester. (They reportedly convinced Sean Connery to continue his tenure as the secret agent in this very bar.) The old haunt was entirely reimagined by Martin Brudnizki and recalls the glitz and glamor of the 1930s with a vintage palladium leaf ceiling, original Cecil Beaton drawings, antique mirrors, and velvet furniture. The folks behind the bar know to shake not stir, as well.

Would you buy the hotel if you could?

In a heartbeat. The hotel is in one of the prettiest (and poshest) parts of London and is steeped in history. The staff ensures it runs like a well-oiled machine and they also cater to your every whim. The people-watching is second to none, too. 

Score: 9.5

What Our Score Means:

1-3: Fire your travel agent if they suggest you stay here.
4-6: Solid if you’re in a pinch—but only if you’re in a pinch.
7-8: Very good. We’d stay here again and recommend it without qualms.
9-10: Forget booking a week. When can we move in permanently?